Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners
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- Create Date：2021-07-01 08:55:36
- Update Date：2025-09-13
- Status：finish
- Author：Kenneth M. Adams
- ISBN：0757315879
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Summary
Did you have a parent whose love for you felt more confining than freeing， more demanding than giving， more instrusive than nurturing？ Did you feel trapped in a "psychological marriage" with this parent？ If so， you may be a victim of covert incest。
Identification of this kind of incest is difficult， since covert incest victimrs often feel idealized and privileged， not violated and abused。 In Silently Seduced， Dr。 Adams， through illustrative case examples and perceptive insight， provides covert incest victims a framework to understand what happened to them， how their lives and relationships continue to be affected and how to begin the process of recovery。
Reviews
Viviane Venancio
，
Reading this book helped me to understand my family dynamics clearly。 It's written in a direct and accessible style making objective points both in describing the roots and forms of emotional （covert） incest as well as the steps to get out of it。 The definition of incest is broadened up and understood as "a violation of a position of trust， power， and protection"。It got obvious to me how it is indeed a pattern that is passed from generation to generation， which brings the importance of breaking Reading this book helped me to understand my family dynamics clearly。 It's written in a direct and accessible style making objective points both in describing the roots and forms of emotional （covert） incest as well as the steps to get out of it。 The definition of incest is broadened up and understood as "a violation of a position of trust， power， and protection"。It got obvious to me how it is indeed a pattern that is passed from generation to generation， which brings the importance of breaking free of this icky utilitarian approach to children。 The very word "icky" used many times by the author deepened my emotional literacy by describing exactly the feeling I constantly got growing up。Another important point brought by this book is the relation between covert incest and addiction， which is sawed as a maladaptive search for soothing the anxiety caused by this parental engulfment and also a desperate need to separate from this dysfunctional system without "rocking the boat"。The only thing I missed was more details on the covert incest with the same-sex parent。 The author focuses almost exclusively on the opposite-sex emotional incest and puts a special emphasis on the mother-boy manifestation of it。 I believe much more could've been said about same-sex covert incest， including the existence of a sexual tension in it。SOME QUOTES I LIKED:ꕥ "There's nothing loving or caring about a close parent-child relationship when it services the needs and feeling of a parent rather than the child。"ꕥ "Cooperation does not equal enjoyment。"ꕥ "All families function as a system in which one person's actions affect another and vice versa。"ꕥ "As long as the abuse or neglect experienced in childhood remains buried within， we re-recreate our family in adult relationships。"ꕥ "Assigning responsibility where it rightfully belongs is the first crucial step in gaining access to one's true feelings， needs， and wants。"ꕥ "Family dysfunction is progressive。 It never stays the same。 As it progresses， appropriate boundaries between parent and child may become nonexistent and communication becomes increasingly strained。"ꕥ "The fact that you are questioning your relationship with your parent means you are bringing about awareness and activating the process of change in yourself。 By increasing your awareness， your own intuitive healing journey began。 Trust in time for answers that are not clear yet， and love the questions themselves。" 。。。more
SAMANTHA CAVIN
，
Helped me put things in perspective This book helped me to put some things about my childhood into perspective。 As a female who had her mother use me as a surrogate spouse this book helped me to understand how that happened and how it inexplicably changed me and how I can change it。
Kostiantyn Levin
，
Попри гучний заголовок， в книзі не йдеться про дії сексуального характеру。 Кеннет Адамс пише про прихований （covert） інцест в родинах і його наслідки для дітей。 Йдеться про ситуацію， коли в дисфункціональних родинах （один чи обидва батьки алкоголіки; нездатні до близькості， уникають одне одного; незадоволені шлюбом） хтось з батьків використовує дитину іншої статі в якості сурогатного емоційного партнера。 Тобто， коли енергію， яку доросла людина мала б спрямувати на свого/свою партнера/партнерку， Попри гучний заголовок， в книзі не йдеться про дії сексуального характеру。 Кеннет Адамс пише про прихований （covert） інцест в родинах і його наслідки для дітей。 Йдеться про ситуацію， коли в дисфункціональних родинах （один чи обидва батьки алкоголіки; нездатні до близькості， уникають одне одного; незадоволені шлюбом） хтось з батьків використовує дитину іншої статі в якості сурогатного емоційного партнера。 Тобто， коли енергію， яку доросла людина мала б спрямувати на свого/свою партнера/партнерку， вона спрямовує на дитину， створюючи занадто близький емоційний зв'язок。 Коли з дитини роблять довірену особу， якій， зокрема， жаліються на партнера， по факту партнера дитиною заміщаючи。Така дитина стає другим （емоційно - першим） чоловіком （чи дружиною） в родині， і виростає， не отримавши нележного емоційного зв'язку з батьками в якості， власне， дитини。 Сепаруватись від таких батьків надзвичайно складно， тому， в результаті， в дорослому житті це призводить до нездатності будувати здорові стосунки。 На них автоматично переноситься модель поведінки з тим з батьків， чиїм "сурогантним партнером" була людина в дитинстві （як варіант — переноситься компульсивна поведінка， спрямована на уникання прямого переносу）， а разом з моделлю переноситься і прихована злість за необхідність колись бути в цій ролі。Книжка здебільншого складається з коротких історій пацієнтів， які все-таки дійшли до психотерапевта， бажаючи розібратися з поточними стосунками （чи їх відсутністю） і， в процесі， згадали， як саме до них ставилися їхні батьки， щоразу описуючи історію covert incest。 。。。more
Helga
，
Really easy language for such an incredibly sensitive topic。 Would recommend to anyone who's dealing with codependency as another perspective to consider in their healing。 Really easy language for such an incredibly sensitive topic。 Would recommend to anyone who's dealing with codependency as another perspective to consider in their healing。 。。。more
Erin
，
Tough subject。 Glad this book is out there。 I hope knowledge and perseverance will help me break the cycle。
Harris Foster
，
I first found this book in 1992。I found the answers regarding my unhealthy relationship with my mother。I feel there are many men who experience this trauma which contribute to the high rate of divorce as we men need to cut the "umbilical" cord from our mother's to have a healthy relationship with woman。 My mother was psychologically manipulative of me during my formative years。 My father was in the house bit unavailable。 She told me things about my father that were none of my business and I func I first found this book in 1992。I found the answers regarding my unhealthy relationship with my mother。I feel there are many men who experience this trauma which contribute to the high rate of divorce as we men need to cut the "umbilical" cord from our mother's to have a healthy relationship with woman。 My mother was psychologically manipulative of me during my formative years。 My father was in the house bit unavailable。 She told me things about my father that were none of my business and I functioned as her "surrogate" spouse。。。。。。。I wish this on no one ！！！！！！！！！！！ 。。。more
Elena （bookinistka）
，
A very rare insight on the enmeshment - a largely tabu problem of parent-child relationship。
Marco
，
Though a little too sure of theories that can't possibly be proven， I enjoyed learning about this way of seeing the influence of relationships which are too burdensome for a child and its possible consequences in future relationships。 Lots of what is written applies to many people I know， so that added to its relevance。If Kenneth were a little less sure of things I'd give this 5 stars。 The writing kept me interested too since I'm a sucker for clinical stories Though a little too sure of theories that can't possibly be proven， I enjoyed learning about this way of seeing the influence of relationships which are too burdensome for a child and its possible consequences in future relationships。 Lots of what is written applies to many people I know， so that added to its relevance。If Kenneth were a little less sure of things I'd give this 5 stars。 The writing kept me interested too since I'm a sucker for clinical stories 。。。more
Elise MacMillan
，
Really helpful resource on a topic that is very rarely discussed。 Explains the dangerous pattern on covert incest （emotional incest among parents and children） and the effects that has on the children as they become adults and form new relationships。
Max
，
On one hand， it's helpful in establishing some of the long-term effects of covert incest but on the other hand， it's incredibly heterocentric。 The author goes so far as to say that covert incestuous relationships between parents and children of the same gender don't have a sexual component to them， despite ample survivor accounts of same gender parent/child sexual and emotional abuse occurring （especially the under discussed situation of mother/daughter CSA）。 This author also believes food addic On one hand， it's helpful in establishing some of the long-term effects of covert incest but on the other hand， it's incredibly heterocentric。 The author goes so far as to say that covert incestuous relationships between parents and children of the same gender don't have a sexual component to them， despite ample survivor accounts of same gender parent/child sexual and emotional abuse occurring （especially the under discussed situation of mother/daughter CSA）。 This author also believes food addiction is a thing， which it's not。 So， generally helpful but also SUPER old school。 。。。more
Catie
，
I think that this book is a good introduction to the concept of covert incest for people who are just coming to terms with the idea that a parent or guardian used them as an emotional substitute for a partner。 I struggle with the terms "covert incest" and even the title of the book is upsetting。 Covert incest IS upsetting， but as someone who experienced it， labeling it "incest" made it so hard to come to terms with。 I think more compassionate language is needed in talking about children whose pa I think that this book is a good introduction to the concept of covert incest for people who are just coming to terms with the idea that a parent or guardian used them as an emotional substitute for a partner。 I struggle with the terms "covert incest" and even the title of the book is upsetting。 Covert incest IS upsetting， but as someone who experienced it， labeling it "incest" made it so hard to come to terms with。 I think more compassionate language is needed in talking about children whose parents over-rely on them for emotional or psychological needs。 It's hard enough not to feel bad or dirty when someone uses you。 As much as I understand these things need to be called out into the light and treated with all seriousness， words can be triggering。 。。。more
Sebastian Gil
，
Yet another great book for everybody who do look for better understanding how proper parent child relationship should look like and what are the consequences of being a parent surrogate spouse。
April Hardison
，
This book helped me understand more of what incest was。 It was very triggering at at times and hard to read。。。 definitely a book I’d recommend someone reading who is actually wanting to work out their trauma towards healing from abuse。
Adrienne Daly
，
Jaw dropping。。。Seeing my life in these pages has changed me。 The step by step instructions to over come the ideas that had me imprisoned are a game changer for me。。。 I refer to this book over and over， like the Bible。
Kim Bowen
，
Such insight into these people。 Very interesting。
Lisa Walker England
，
On targetThis book is spot on。 I had already stumbled my way into most of the concepts individually on my healing journey。 But seeing it all in one place， so cogently and relatably explained， is so healing and magnificent。
L
，
This is a tough read because it hits home。 It’s a gift to have these types of resources for those of us who have long been silent， and carried unnecessary shame。 Dr。 Adams is putting words in the gaps in each of us。 Incredible read。
Miguel
，
Everyone needs to read this。 Adams is an expert on the subject and will make you look at family life so completely different。 Even if you're not a victim， you will be able to identify those around you and make sense of the chaos happening in your relationships Everyone needs to read this。 Adams is an expert on the subject and will make you look at family life so completely different。 Even if you're not a victim， you will be able to identify those around you and make sense of the chaos happening in your relationships 。。。more
Fleeting Bird
，
I reduced my rating significantly because of the sensitive subject of childhood sexual abuse。 The story of Vickie and her dream about her father's sexual abuse before the age of 5 is problematic。 This topic was investigated and it was confirmed that some people are vulnerable to suggestions。 They might come to believe false things told by a person they regard as an expert。 Since the therapist was using the word "incest" to describe her relationship to her father， thinking about actual sexual abu I reduced my rating significantly because of the sensitive subject of childhood sexual abuse。 The story of Vickie and her dream about her father's sexual abuse before the age of 5 is problematic。 This topic was investigated and it was confirmed that some people are vulnerable to suggestions。 They might come to believe false things told by a person they regard as an expert。 Since the therapist was using the word "incest" to describe her relationship to her father， thinking about actual sexual abuse was not so far away。 Dreams should never be taken literally。 Dreams usually are showing our current concerns in a symbolic manner。 It's true that there are trauma dreams that portray events exactly as they occurred but if Vickie had really been abused as a child， she would have had that same dream occur throughout her whole life。 The dream appears right after the trauma and continues until it is resolved。 Since her dream was new， it was just a representation of the associations that were formed by the term covert INCEST。I don't recommend this book。 If you want to learn about this topic， choose "The Emotional Incest Syndrome" by Patricia Love。 It is an excellent resource communicated in a more reliable and responsible way。 Her story telling is also much better。Abuse， incest are unnecessary dramatic accusatory definitions。 It's emotional enmeshment， role reversal， general ignorance about a healthy family living。 I don't like how Freudian tradition sexualized all kinds of bonds。 Not everything is about sex。 Our current culture puts too much emphasis on it。 We really need to sober up a bit。 。。。more
Laurie
，
4 plus。 I'm really glad I came across this book which was kind of a happy accident。 I had a wide array of puzzle pieces from several different people， I knew the puzzles themselves were related or similar， and I WAS heading in the right direction （it turns out）。 Then BOOM！ with this shining light of a book。 Any uncertainty on my part was erased by what's contained in these pages。 Thank you， Dr Adams！ （And I didn't even read the updated revised edition， but I'm going to。） 4 plus。 I'm really glad I came across this book which was kind of a happy accident。 I had a wide array of puzzle pieces from several different people， I knew the puzzles themselves were related or similar， and I WAS heading in the right direction （it turns out）。 Then BOOM！ with this shining light of a book。 Any uncertainty on my part was erased by what's contained in these pages。 Thank you， Dr Adams！ （And I didn't even read the updated revised edition， but I'm going to。） 。。。more
Hil
，
not as helpful for victims of same sex parental enmeshment/parentification/abuse， but still has some good kernels of truth。
David Gamble
，
I recommended this book to two people before I even finished reading it。 The situation in the book is applicable for me and really helped me gain perspective while providing concrete steps on how to unravel resulting issues in my life， but I think it would help provide clarity for most people with unhealthy dynamics in their families。
Monique Song
，
I was introduced to this book through reading The Truth by Neil Strauss。 It is a clinical psychology tool book which doesn’t seem to be an entertaining read。 And it’s not。 I flipped through the book with a heavy heart as I discovered the deepest， darkest root cause of my commitment problem and inability to experience intimacy in a relationship。Have you ever wondered how and why people are so different in relationships？ Do you stay in a relationship out of pity？ Do you find all your partners unab I was introduced to this book through reading The Truth by Neil Strauss。 It is a clinical psychology tool book which doesn’t seem to be an entertaining read。 And it’s not。 I flipped through the book with a heavy heart as I discovered the deepest， darkest root cause of my commitment problem and inability to experience intimacy in a relationship。Have you ever wondered how and why people are so different in relationships？ Do you stay in a relationship out of pity？ Do you find all your partners unable to fulfill your wants？ Do you think no one is ever good enough for you？ Have you ever felt unable to enjoy close intimacy？In Silently Seduced， Kenneth M。 Adams， Ph。D。 uses real-life cases， explains how childhood trauma affect sexuality， intimacy， and relationship。Our emotional ability in adulthood may be the result of our relationships with parents during childhood。 When certain emotional needs cannot be met through the spouse， the child often become the primary resource for such demand。 In other words， the parent makes the child turn into his/her partner。http://moniquesong。com/silently-seduc。。。 。。。more
Laura
，
While I know it's impossible for the author to write about every possible scenario of covert incest in a single book， I was a little disappointed that he didn't talk about the consequences of it for lesbians and bi women。 Otherwise， great resource。 While I know it's impossible for the author to write about every possible scenario of covert incest in a single book， I was a little disappointed that he didn't talk about the consequences of it for lesbians and bi women。 Otherwise， great resource。 。。。more
Rose
，
This was a decent book， but I feel like it didn't contain as much detail as I would have liked。 That's probably because this is a relatively niche idea at the moment and it's hard to come up with a ton of examples （plus wanting to protect the privacy of patients， etc。）， but I feel like there's not a lot in here that would make it very clear to the layperson when a situation like this has occurred or is occurring。 I strongly suspect that something akin to this was going on in my family of origin This was a decent book， but I feel like it didn't contain as much detail as I would have liked。 That's probably because this is a relatively niche idea at the moment and it's hard to come up with a ton of examples （plus wanting to protect the privacy of patients， etc。）， but I feel like there's not a lot in here that would make it very clear to the layperson when a situation like this has occurred or is occurring。 I strongly suspect that something akin to this was going on in my family of origin （an alcoholic father and BOTH parents confiding their displeasure with each other to me [but not until later into my teens if I'm recalling correctly]）。 But there was definitely plenty of room for doubt because certain things never happened to me （I don't believe I was ever 'the special one' and never felt like I was getting a ton of inappropriate affection from either parent， although maybe I was and just didn't view it that way at the time。） Most of my anger and resentment at the moment comes less from them leaning on me and more for them not letting me set any boundaries or cultivating my own emotions or desires。 I was required to be the mature and calm one for my entire family （younger brother as well as both parents） with a double standard that got me very harshly punished for most any form of angry expression， but allowed the rest of them to slam things， stomp around， yell， and generally have tantrums。 Overall a good book。 Trying to parse/process through it。 When I had it recommended to me， it seemed like it would resonate a lot more strongly than it ultimately ended up doing， so I feel like the author is seriously on to something， but I'd love to see more depth， detail， and fleshing out of these concepts。 。。。more
Brad Stolz-Grobusch
，
Easy light read， with case after case example。 Provides lots of helpful information for individuals dealing with covert incest， including separating themselves from the opposite sex parent， establishing boundaries， dealing with emotions， and establishing healthy relationships with partners and the same sex。 The book provides a lot of helpful skills in addressing the aftermath of guilt。
Sarah
，
I have read more than handful of books about recovery from child abuse。 This one was different， not just because it focuses on covert and overt sexual child abuse， I have read couple of books which touch this subject， it was full of personal stories， not many generalizations。 It was hard to read because of the style。
Alex Giurgea
，
O carte scrisa cu multa claritate despre setarea granitelor sanatoase in relatia cu parintii de sex opus si consecintele incalcarii acestor granite in viata copilului si a viitorului adult。
Megan
，